Friday, May 26, 2006
"fear"
When the fuck will i get my next allowance? Supposedly every 24th of the month. But fuck... Thanks to her la... I hate the feeling of being broke. Well, i guess its time that i learn how to save huh...
Now, i juz wanna decide. Decide on? Well... Its a decision of whether i wanna continue doing my stuff, or doing something which suits me more. Perhaps none. One ever told me before... "Aiya if u scared fall down, den dun do sports la... PK confirm will fall at least once one wat..." No i'm not blaming that person. But his opinion opens up my mind about it. True. I am very afraid of falling and everything. Perhaps PK aint my kind of thing huh...
Sadly speaking, i feel inferior about that. I never dared to talk to anyone about this. I do not know why also... I'm afraid of falling down. Why? yes i know everyone has fear of something. But why of all things do i fear of this? Sigh... This sucks. Because of this, i always blamed myself for everything regarding PK. My slow progress, mental blockage at times, my abilities (that is, if i even dared to...). Everytime i see you guys practice, i wish i can join in wholeheartedly. These words are forever in my mind "How i wish i can be like u guys...". Fear... I guess i'm born with too much fear. Fear of this, fear of that. Might as well go and kill myself right? Fear is not something that i can get over in a short period of time.
Another side of me, says to me.... "Eh juz give up la huh. U think u can make it ar? You see yourself. So fucking slow. People 3 months can progress until like hell. U cannot. Wats the use? Wats the use of sticking to it? Give up la... No point for someone like you la..." In addition to that... A sudden lost of interest is coming over me... Slowly straying me away from PK. Of which, I do not know why...
Why do i keep on "hearing" things that i do not like to hear? If a stranger knows about this, his mind would be thinking "wa this guy siao ar? talk to himself. Demoralise himself some more... siao...". Wat now... Am i crazy?
Fear is also wat makes people give in to a certain thing. Be it towards human or religion. Fear, might be the most powerful sin ever.
Now, i juz wanna decide. Decide on? Well... Its a decision of whether i wanna continue doing my stuff, or doing something which suits me more. Perhaps none. One ever told me before... "Aiya if u scared fall down, den dun do sports la... PK confirm will fall at least once one wat..." No i'm not blaming that person. But his opinion opens up my mind about it. True. I am very afraid of falling and everything. Perhaps PK aint my kind of thing huh...
Sadly speaking, i feel inferior about that. I never dared to talk to anyone about this. I do not know why also... I'm afraid of falling down. Why? yes i know everyone has fear of something. But why of all things do i fear of this? Sigh... This sucks. Because of this, i always blamed myself for everything regarding PK. My slow progress, mental blockage at times, my abilities (that is, if i even dared to...). Everytime i see you guys practice, i wish i can join in wholeheartedly. These words are forever in my mind "How i wish i can be like u guys...". Fear... I guess i'm born with too much fear. Fear of this, fear of that. Might as well go and kill myself right? Fear is not something that i can get over in a short period of time.
Another side of me, says to me.... "Eh juz give up la huh. U think u can make it ar? You see yourself. So fucking slow. People 3 months can progress until like hell. U cannot. Wats the use? Wats the use of sticking to it? Give up la... No point for someone like you la..." In addition to that... A sudden lost of interest is coming over me... Slowly straying me away from PK. Of which, I do not know why...
Why do i keep on "hearing" things that i do not like to hear? If a stranger knows about this, his mind would be thinking "wa this guy siao ar? talk to himself. Demoralise himself some more... siao...". Wat now... Am i crazy?
Fear is also wat makes people give in to a certain thing. Be it towards human or religion. Fear, might be the most powerful sin ever.
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